Feeling Real
by PanicButton
Summary: Follow up from The Stresser. Reid is in hospital. The Team come to visit. Contains subject of self harming and eating disorders. If this is an issue with you plz dont read
1. Chapter 1

**A/N follow up to The Stresser. I didn't plan on doing a sequel, but sometimes the brain just won't stop.**

Feeling Real

Disclaimer: Still not mine /sigh

_We can rest contentedly in our sins and in our stupidities, but pain insists upon being attended to. – C.S. Lewis._

You will lay there in your hospital bed with your hospital gown, and hospital smells, and Gideon will watch you.

Its not a clever thing you did you know? Morgan will be beside him self. JJ…What must JJ think? But still the pain, it just won't go away.

You will turn onto your side and curl up foetal and hug your knees and cry.

You will hate yourself for what you have done to your friends. The hate will be so much that you need to escape. Pull the wires from your body, and get away from the smells, away from the guilt. Someone will stop you. Gideon. His arms around you. Saying nice things to you. Calming you down. "It's ok Reid. It's OK."

It's never going to be OK though. You will fight Gideon for a little while, then realise that there is no point. You will have no strength to push him away, and really you don't want to. Not now. You will need to feel someone holding you tight. It means you are real.

It's dark now. You lay on your bed still with the bleeping monitors next to your head. You will feel the bandages on your arms and you will start to pull them off. Slowly unwinding them to see what is underneath. You will want to see what damage you did. You will need to see the marks left on your pale skin.

They will be deep. They will have been stitched up and closed. The blood held back under the skin. Just a little please, just a little. Pulling on the stitches you will open the wound up and watch the blood ooze out. You will have to be careful now, because you don't want anyone to see what you are doing. Keeping to your normal routine you will feel the desire to lick the blood off. To taste it in your mouth proves that it is real. That you are real.

But someone will be there….someone will put their hands on your arms, and alarm bells will start to ring as people come to see what you have done.

You will fight them off you, kicking, biting, scratching. You need them to leave you alone, but eventually you will let them do their job and lay still as they re-stitch and make shssshhhing sounds at you. You will cry your deep, deep, sorrowful cry. Great sobs of pain and anguish, and you will beg them, "Please, please…leave me alone. I I I need, I need to do this." But they won't hear you above the alarms and shouting of doctors and medical staff. You will fall asleep. I expect they will have drugged you. And you will be watched from now on.

Your family will be informed. Not that mad woman at Bennington, but your real family. They will come to see you with worried faces.

JJ cries and sits by your bed. Her hand will move slowly and she will rest it on yours. "Spence?" she will say, and you will try to smile at her, but there is too much pain, so you will cry.

Gideon will stand and watch you. He will look worried and will pace the room muttering "Why didn't I see this?" He will stare at you laying there looking so much like you are dead.

Hotchner will come and sit in the same chair JJ did. Sweet JJ. He will lean over you and push your hair off your face and behind your ear. His eyes will be playing back all the horrors he has seen. All the death. All the monsters. He will say he is sorry.

Prentiss will some to see you and leave a card Get well soon it will say, and inside it will just be signed off: _Emily xx_

Garcia will walk in quietly, and stand looking at you. She will see how thin you are and how you cry. She will get a damp cloth and wipe it over your hot face and talk about nothing and everything. She will call you Sweetcheeks and massage your feet.

"Hurry up and get better Hon." She will say before she leaves. "We miss our genius."

Morgan will sit in the chair and stare at you. His face will look sad and angry. "Why did you do this Reid?" he will ask you, but you won't be able to answer. How can you explain? So you will say "Sorry" in a voice so quite that Morgan almost thinks he imagined it.

JJ will come back though. She will have composed herself and her eyes will be red and puffy, but she will sit again and get a book out of her bag. JJ will sit and read Proust to you. The words will sound familiar and comforting:warm and bonding.

_The real voyage of discovery consists of not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. _She will read softly in her sweet hurt sad voice.

And you will begin to understand what you need to do.

From this hospital they will obviously insist that you get transferred to another. You will still not talk about why you do this. You know you will have to though. Eventually.

You will be forced to sit in a circle listening to other people rant about their problems and lives, and you know soon they will ask you. So you will sit with your arms wrapped around you, looking at your feet. Picking at your arms. Pinching and nipping at the flesh with your nails where they can't see.

They will ask you.

"Spencer, would you like to share with us today?"

but you will just slowly shake your head and whisper "No."

Your hair will fall over your face and hide you from these people who are asking to you tell them what you don't know. Then you will need to pinch harder and pick deeper to stop the sobs from coming from that deep dark place you keep hidden down inside.

One day you will be sitting in your room, at this place and JJ will come to find you sitting alone on your bed.

"Spence?" she will say quietly, not wanting to make you jump. "How are things going?"

And it will be her soft voice and her bottomless blue eyes you will look into and feel the anger and guilt and rage storming over you so hard that you need to release.

You will say "JJ. JJ. I am so sorry." And you will cry again. Like you always do when you see JJ and her sweet face and smell that sweet smell you remember from the past. From when times where good. From the time at the football game. From all those times she stood a bit too close to you, and suddenly the happy memories will flood back. The times spent laughing. The times just sitting looking at her.

JJ will sit with you and hug you and you will tell JJ that everything is going to be alright.

"I'm so sorry." You will say again.

Talking to strangers isn't something you will find easy. But they will let you go home if you talk to someone first. So you will tell them it was an accident. You will tell them that you didn't mean to really hurt yourself like that. You will hope they believe you. You can lie when you want. You are a good profiler, and they will tell you that you may go home if there is someone to keep an eye on you.

It will be Gideon who comes to get you. He will still have his sad face on. He will see that you are still far too thin. He will see the dark rings around your eyes, and the dull hollow look to your face. He will see the bruises up your arms. Pinches and scratches. He will look, but not say anything.

"Let's get you home." He will say in his comforting quiet way, and Gideon will drive you back to his place.

You will shower. Water a bit too hot, making your skin tingle and blush, but it will feel good. You will wash the smells of hospitals out of your hair, and you will sleep in the spare room. You won't know that Gideon has set up a small motion detector outside your door so if you leave the room he will know. But for tonight that is OK…you will sleep tonight, curled up and hugging your legs to you, rocking back and forth, crying until it is the morning.

Pancakes. You smile at Gideon and sit at the breakfast table. He knows you like pancakes, and has cooked enough to feed the entire population of Virginia. You will laugh about this with your mentor and friend and you will eat the pancakes and ice cream. When you excuse yourself to use the bathroom you will kneel at the toilet and bring it back up again. The pain in the back of your throat will feel good. You won't know that Jason it listening at the door, and you will run your fingers over the scars on your arms and wonder and say quietly to yourself. "I want to feel."

Wearing sweat pants and a T-shirt Jason will take you for a ride in the car. He will take you to a park. The sun will be shining and you feel happy. You have always liked the sunshine. He has arranged a picnic. The whole team is there.

"Hey Reid!!" they all wave and shout and leap up to hug you. They will feel how thin you are and they will look both happy to see you and worried. You will feel awkward and gently pat them on the back, not feeling comfortable enough to hug them back. You will enjoy the feel of the arms around you though. It makes you feel wanted and loved.

Garcia will have made the biggest desert ever. But she has bought you ice cream because she knows you like it. JJ will smile at you and lean gently on you and wrap her arm around your waist and pull you down to the blanket where you will sit and grin happily.

Today you feel real.

But what about tomorrow?


	2. Chapter 2

A Night Out

**A/N self harming, and eating disorders. If this is an issue for you please do not read.**

Disclaimer: I had a look, but it's still not mine. I live in eternal hope.

_We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves - __La Rochefoucauld._

Tonight you will spend some time with Morgan at his place. Morgan will want you to talk to him, and you will try to give him answers, but they won't settle Morgan's fears for you. You will tell him about the guilt of leaving JJ at the barn. You will tell Morgan how when now when you look at JJ all you can see is fear, and Morgan will look like he is listening. He will give you some comforting words to think about. He will cook you omelette and cut some toast into soldiers for you, but you will push it around your plate and say you need the bathroom

You like to feel the coldness of the tiles on your body, so you remove your one green and one red sock and unbutton your shirt. You will be able to pull up the back of your shirt and see the scars running down your back, and it will feel good. The floor is cold so you will lay down on your back and fold your arms around you. No one else is here. Here is a good place to feel the cold on your back and the pinch, pinch of your fingers on your upper arms.

You don't think Morgan will let you stay there though do you? It won't be long before there is a tapping on the door.

"Reid buddy, you all OK?"

"Um yes Morgan…y y yes."

And you will quickly put your socks back on and do up your shirt and leave the bathroom.

"You really need to eat." He will tell you, and you will tell him that you know you do, but you are still full from the picnic earlier on. It will be a lie. You didn't eat at the picnic, you did what you always do now. You play make believe and usually you can fool them. Morgan will look at you and he will know the lie, but he won't push the subject right now.

The following evening Morgan will take you to a bar. You put on your long sleeved red shirt and black cords. Your hair is reaching your collar and it flicks up at the back. You will have it tucked behind your ears, and it will make your eyes look wide and dark and scared. You will put on your glasses to see if it disguises the look of death you have, but they make everything focus too sharply so you take them off again. You will stand and chew on your bottom lip staring at yourself in the mirror. Thinking.

Somewhere you have left your watch, but you can't remember where. You will try to remember to ask Morgan or Gideon where it is.

You will ask for water, but you will get orange juice and a pack of something crispy and tasteless. You will feel him watching you. Monitoring you to see if you eat and drink what he has given you. Garcia will turn up, and there will be lots of hugging and cuddling, but you will stand and keep your arms by your side. You will feel the need to return the hugs and pull her close and feel loved and needed, but you won't be able to. You won't want to form a bond with someone like you did with JJ, only to destroy it again through your own thoughtless actions. So you will accept the hug, but you won't return it. If Garcia notices she won't say anything. You will be given another drink, and Morgan and Garcia will watch as you drink it. You will be able to feel it in your stomach, and you will think you are going to retch, but will manage a smile of sorts, and swallow back the vomit creeping back up into your mouth.

You will have already checked out to see where the bathrooms are. This will be important to you. You will have worked out the quickest route, and estimated how long it will take to get there. So Dr Reid, you will be keeping your hands in your pockets as much as you can pinching and scratching your legs and hips, digging in your fingernails, and tearing at the soft flesh, or keep your hands wrapped tightly around yourself, pinching and pinching and scratching at your arms. You will need to leave this place with too much noise and the smell of food and drink, and the laughter, but you will have to go and use the bathroom first.

Morgan will offer to come with you. "I can manage on my own." You will tell him, as you walk quickly towards the men's room.

You will see the fire exit next to the men's room door and will quickly slip out into the warm night air and walk away from the club. You will find a side ally and somewhere quiet to empty your painful stomach. You will vomit in a corner, and lean your palms and forehead against the wall trying to get your breath. You will feel your heart thumping too hard, and you will smell the acid from the liquid you just spewed, and you won't hear the voices behind you because you are too involved in being real.

When the hand touches your shoulder you will jump slightly, and assume it is Morgan. You will already be thinking what you will say to him. You will have all the right answers, but it won't be Morgan.

You will look at the pack of youths standing there. "Erm excuse – excuse me." You will stutter trying to manoeuvre your way around them, but they won't let you do that. You will feel the hand on your chest pushing you back against the wall. You know hand to hand combat, but you will panic and forget what to do. You will need to escape from the situation, but they are holding you and pushing you and demanding things from you. Your hair will fall over your eyes and you won't be able focus or see properly.

"Wallet." They will keep saying to you, but you will become clumsy and twitchy and your hands won't do what you are asking them to do. You will put your arms to your face to protect yourself, and you will want to become small, so you start to crouch down in the vomit. In the corner of the back ally.

You will feel hands all over you. In your pockets, pulling you up by your hair and pushing you against the wall

"Stand up you fag." They will be shouting at you, and all you will be able to do is throw up, there will be tears falling down your face as they laugh at you, pulling at your shirt, ripping it off you, then slamming you back against the wall. You will feel the wall against the back of your head as it cracks against it and suddenly you will feel real again. You will feel the pain caused by a kick to your knee, and you start to buckle again, but they hold you still. You feel the pain in your face as the fist connects with your cheekbone, followed by another to your already aching stomach, and as you bend over to try to take the pain and put it in a good place, someone will plant a heavy foot into your side, and as they let go of you and you finally fall to the ground laying in your own puke and other peoples urine, you will feel some sort of satisfaction that at last you can feel something.

They will leave you there curled up and whimpering. They will run when they hear someone shouting from the other end of the ally way.

"Hey, FBI." You will hear and know that Morgan has come to help. But you won't really want help now because right now you will be able to feel. You will take this opportunity to find a slither of glass and make just a tiny nick in your arm. Only small, but it will feel good. You will hide the glass in your pocket, along with the tasteless crispy things and other bits your have hidden away rather than eat.

"Leave me alone." You will shout at Morgan. "Why can't you just all leave m m m me alone?" Your voice will crack as you lay in the smells of filth and the cry will come from deep down from that dark place again. The place where all your fears and lost hopes live. But Morgan and Garcia won't leave you alone. They will lift you from the dirt and inspect your wounds and Garcia will look shocked when she sees your back and Morgan will try to act like this is normal, and you will see their faces taking in the thinness of your body, and the marks over it, and Morgan will see the way you hold your forearm tightly in your bony hand and will pull it away to see what you are hiding.

"They cut me." You will mumble, but he will know the truth, because he is good at his job, and he knows you too well now.

"Let's get you home." Will be all he will say, and you will walk slowly next to him, being careful not to look at Garcia because you can't stand that look of pity in her eyes.

Back at Morgan's place he runs water into the tub for you, and adds nice smelling stuff. He phones Gideon, and fiddles with the glass he took from your pocket.


	3. Chapter 3 Playing The Game

Playing The Game

Disclaimer: I ate a whole tub of ice cream, but Criminal Minds still isn't mine.

**A/N: Same as the other chapters.**

_Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself. – Carl Gustav Jung._

Dear Dr Reid,

I really need to tell you this.

I hope you will understand.

You will need to play their game.

You will ask Hotchner when you can come back to work, so you will go over to his place to talk properly. You will want to see his face. See his eyes. He will want to see yours, so one evening you will get on a bus and travel to Aaron's house. Haley will answer the door and her face will be full of surprise.

"Reid? Oh come in. I'll get Aaron." She will leave you standing nervously in the hallway and you will realise this was a bad mistake. You will hear Haley talking to her husband in short quiet whispers, and you will hear the short sharp whispered replies. You will crack your knuckles and fidget with your shirt buttons while you wait, biting down on your bottom lip.

Hotch will ask you to come in and sit down, but you will fidget and fiddle and turn and start to leave again.

"Reid. Come sit. It's OK. Drink?"

So you will sit on his sofa and wipe your sweaty palms on your brown cords, but you will be afraid if you start to talk that your voice will crack and you will cry, so you sit and fiddle.

"Reid, talk to me. What's wrong?"

So you stand up and start pacing around the room and Aaron will watch you and profile you and wonder what it is you need to say.

"I want to know when – I want to come back – you know – to work." You will finally manage to say, and Hotch will just sit and watch you in your quiet pacing panic.

He will answer,

"It's not that simple Reid." And you will look scared.

"I feel fine now. I I I'm happy to have psyc evaluation. It was an accident anyway!"

And your voice will rise in pitch and your pacing will become faster as you break out into a sweat. You will turn and run for the door, suddenly needing to escape, but Hotch will be at the door to stop you and will put a hand on your shoulder, and Hotch will be able to feel your heart thumping and your panicked breathing.

"Sit." He will tell you, but you won't want to.

"Reid, I am not asking you. Sit." It will be an order.

Maybe it is a test to see if you will, so you do, and you will look everywhere except at your boss. If he is your boss. If you still have a job. You wouldn't have thought about that until now and you will begin to panic again.

"Oh god. Oh Hotch, I am s s s s I am sorry. I'll just go." You stammer, and you think of Elle and how she was replaced. "You replaced me?" you will whisper, and Hotch almost shouts, and he will leap out of his chair wearing his T-shirt and sweat pants, and funny brown bunny slippers.

"No Reid. You can't be replaced. How could we ever replace you?"

"You replaced Elle."

"Elle handed in her notice. Elle gave us no option."

"You replaced her with Prentiss." And now you will be shouting with tears running down your face, and you will swipe them away angrily with the back of your hand before they fall onto your yellow and orange striped shirt.

"Elle leaving meant there was a position open in the BAU. I never replaced Elle with Prentiss. I filled the gap left by Elle with Prentiss." Aaron will have a hard look on his face. He will be watching and profiling, and testing you. You will have to listen and agree if you want to keep your job. If you still have one.

"Hotch." You will say, "Do I still have a job with the BAU?"

Hotch will tell you that this isn't really the time or place to talk about your job. You will remember how much he likes his time with his wife. You will remember how precious it is to him, and you will feel guilty about coming to see him at home.

"I'm sorry."

"No Reid, don't be sorry. Come into the office tomorrow, and we can talk properly."

So you will leave not knowing what is going to happen, and you will get a bus and go home and sit alone in the dark with just a side light on and eat candy, and in the early hours of the morning you will go and kneel in front of the toilet and vomit and cry and pick and scratch at your arms, and when you hear the birds singing their early morning call you will lift yourself from the floor and shower in water that makes you tingle and burn, and wash away the smells of the night, and rub hard over the marks you have made on your skin. You will clean your teeth until your gums bleed, you will shave hard until your skin feels sore, and you will push your wet hair into place.

Today you will try to look good. You wear a brown shirt with a dark red sweater vest over the top, dark brown pants and a red and brown tie. Your jacket will be dark brown and you will carry your messenger bag over your shoulder. You will feel good. You will feel almost normal. You still don't know what happened to your watch, and you will try to remember to ask at the office today. You wear your glasses.

It will have been a long time since you last travelled up in the elevators to the floor you work on. You will get butterflies in your stomach with anticipation. You will see other people getting in the car and some will give you a funny look, and some will smile, and some will just ignore you. You will try to pretend you are not there and lean back against the side of the car and breath deeply, but you can hear your breath catching and you will be afraid it will come out in big gulping sobs so you will stand still and fiddle with the buttons on your cuffs.

You will arrive at the office at lunch time in the hopes that it won't be so busy. Hoping that some people will be at lunch, and indeed there will seem to be a hush over the normally busy office, but you will look around and see that everyone is staring at you, so you will keep your head down and walk quickly to Hotch's office and knock. You will feel eyes boring into your back and you will feel the heat and it will make you start to sweat, and you can hear the whispers.

Hotch will open the door to his office and let you in. Gideon will be sitting there, and you will want to turn and leave again. You will have to stay though. You need to show them that you are OK. You need to let them profile you and not see.

"Gideon!" you will exclaim and smile at him, but Gideon can see that the smile doesn't reach your eyes, and he will give you a small sad smile back. Hotch will lock the door and ask you to sit, and you will feel trapped and hot and stupid.

Hey Dr Reid, isn't this what you wanted?

They stare at you and you look at your hands twisting, twisting in your lap.

"I erm…."

"Reid, we are here for you. You only need to ask." Says Gideon.

"I need to start back at work." And you will manage to say it without stuttering and without your voice cracking, and without the manic pitch.

And Hotchner will tell you that there is procedure and that they can't bypass it, not even for you. He will tell you about tests you will have to undergo and about how they will be forced to keep you out of the field until they know that everything is alright. They will tell you that you still have a job and that you will not be replaced, and there is no gap to fill, and you will feel so happy and scared and angry that you will need to leave, and your hands will be twisting and twisting in your lap and Gideon will be looking at them and Gideon will know.

You will be told to stay a while, and so you will sit at your desk for a short while but you can feel Gideon watching you, so you will get up and go to the bathroom. Its cool in here and the floor is cold. You will bend down and put the palms of your hands on the cold floor and the tears will fall between your fingers, hot and burning like acid. You stand up and look at your face in the mirror. You will notice the red patches on your face where you shaved too hard, and you will take off your glasses and look at your hazel eyes with the dark circles, but that's ok, they have always looked like that. You will decide to put your glasses in your bag, and then you will throw up in the sink. You wouldn't have been expecting that, and you will have to quickly clean up the mess you have made, and you seem to be making things worse.

You will decide to go home, and so you will tell Aaron that he needs to tell you when to see the doctor for the tests and Aaron promises he will call you and tell you when to be there.

You get the train back to your apartment, and you still have to windows shut and the world is still outside and you are still here.

You will feel so alone. You will feel that you have screamed and cried so much and still no one understands what has happened and you really wanted to see JJ today at the office but she was away somewhere so you didn't. You will need to know that she has forgiven you, but for now you can sit on your couch and eat some candy and think.

You will remember how Morgan used to keep coming to see you, but now he doesn't, and you will remember the foot massages you got from Garcia. You will remember ripping up the card you got from Prentiss, and you will remember JJ's sad and angry eyes and you will eat more candy.

When the phone rings you will let it go to answer phone. You really won't want to talk to any one tonight, but when you hear JJ's voice leave a message you snatch the phone up and put it to your ear.

"JJ" you will say cautiously.

"Spence, I missed you today. They told me you had been in the office. How are you?"

and you will be able to smell that sweet hair and see into those lovely blue eyes from where you are.

"JJ, oh god JJ I am so sorry."

"Well next time let me know and I will make sure I am there." JJ will misunderstand why you are sorry.

"That's that's nnnot…that's not what I meant." And you will be stuttering again.

"Oh Spence!" and JJ will sound alarmed. "Can I pop over to see you? Now? I have missed you."

And all you will be able to do is cry and nod, and mutter "Please."

And the line will go dead, so you will go to the bathroom and kneel down and be sick and pick at your arms and pinch and wish you had that little knife.


	4. Chapter 4 JJ

JJ

_Life begins on the other side of despair – Jean-Paul Sartre_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

You will realise that sometimes you have to go right to the bottom before you can start to scratch your way back up again. You will know that the way back is sometimes more painful than the way down, but you will still have to do it if you want to survive. It will be hard to do this on your own. Like a drug it will consume your soul until there is nothing left but tears inside an empty shell. You will have to see this though. You won't see it in the mirror, or in the bent reflection of the car you walk by. You will have to look far further than just your reflection. You will probably feel the need to drag someone else down with you, just so that you have an arm to cling to on your way back up, and you won't really care who that person is.

You will be kneeling on the bathroom floor wiping your mouth on the back of your hand and feeling that wonderful emptiness in your stomach, when you hear the knock on the door.

"Spence? Are you there?" JJ will call through your door, and you will have to get up and let her in.

She will look wonderful. She will be wearing jeans and a little T-shirt and a pair of pink flip flops. Her hair will be loose and she will smell of flowers.

You will look awful. You will be wearing grey sweatpants and a long sleeved blue t-shirt which you have pulled down to cover your hands. You will smell of vomit and stale sweat.

"Oh god Spence." And JJ will look sad and will carefully walk past you and into your too hot musty apartment.

You won't know what to do or where to look. You will slide your hands up the sleeve of the opposite arms and pinch yourself. You will walk slowly and sit on your chair with your knees pulled up to your chest. JJ will see that you have picked the skin on your toes and made them bleed, but you still won't be able to look at her.

JJ will kneel on the floor in front of you and her hands will flicker near to you but not quite touch.

"Spence, what's going on? Please look at me."

And her voice will sound sad, so you will dig in what is left of your nails, and the one long nail you still have and you will dig them into the soft skin of your inner arms, but you still won't be able to look into her eyes, because you are so afraid of seeing that pain there again, and it will kill you to see it.

"Talk to me."

But you will sit and look at your knees, and carry on trying to feel real and pinching and scratching.

"Spence, why won't you look at me?"

And you will say in a whisper,

"Because I thought you were dead." And the tears start again. JJ will be confused, and her hands will start to flick over you again, eventually landing on your hair which she will gently push away from your face where it has begun to get stuck to the snot and sweat and tears.

"But I am here." And her voice will be so sweet, and her hands will feel so comforting, but you will still not be able to look at her. So you will sit and accept her healing hands and voice and try to put into words what went so wrong.

"JJ, I thought you were dead. I thought…I thought that….when I heard the gun shots, and I heard you, I heard you s s s scream. JJ I thought you were dead."

And your voice will sound a bit wild and manic, but you need to tell her and this is the only way you will be able to do it. You will push JJ away from you and get up from the chair and start pacing around the room, as you tell her what you didn't want to. JJ will stand and watch and listen. She won't interrupt you.

"I woke up…I woke up with Raphael standing there looking at me, and I knew what he had, had, had done, and I knew he had done that to you, and I couldn't stand it JJ. I was so angry and scared and I thought of you and what he would have done and how it was my fault because I ran of and left you. At first JJ…at first I thought I could talk my way out…I thought he…I thought he would listen to me."

Your voice will have raised in pitch and you will stop and lean your forehead against the cold wall. You will be sweaty, and sticky and your hair will be falling around your face in clumps. You will notice the smell of vomit and sickness on you, and wonder if Hotch and Gideon had noticed it too.

"I begged him – I begged him not to hurt me. I pleaded and, and, and begged and tried to persuade him…I was so scared JJ. I thought you were dead! I quoted the bible at him, but he just he just w w w wanted to hurt me JJ, and so he did. And I just kept thinking of you and I was dying inside because it was my fault."

JJ will be motionless standing staring at you, as once again you will begin to pace the room.

"But Reid, I wasn't dead."

And that will be the point that you will die inside again…She will call you Reid. You will stop and finally be able to look at her. You will look confused and hurt, and JJ will just stand and that look of pity will make you feel angry at her. So you will walk over to her and put your hands on her shoulders and look directly into her eyes, and you will say very carefully and slowly so that she won't misunderstand you.

"Get out of my apartment JJ." And you will want to spit at her, but instead you will raise a hand and you will feel the need to hurt her like she just hurt you and JJ will see the rage burning in your eyes and she won't understand what just happened, and she will flinch back, and step away from you.

"I thought you were dead. Don't you don't you understand that?" and now you are shouting at her. "You stood and watched me on the monitors as I cried and begged, and when he put the gun to my head I just wanted it to end. I wanted to die JJ, because I had killed you, and I will never forgive myself for that."

"I'm not dead Spence." And she will be standing there looking wonderful and smelling of flowers.

And you will start to pick books up and throw them at her. "Don't call me that….don't call me Spence!" you will shout, "You don't understand JJ…no one understands."

And you will run to the bathroom and lock yourself in, and you will hear JJ calling out to you, but it sounds from a long way off. So you will smash the bathroom mirror and it will cut the back of your hands. You won't hear the panicked voice of JJ on the other side of the door calling your name and asking you to unlock the door, and you feel like a vortex has opened and swallowed you, and you no long exist. You will know that no one will listen to you. No one will understand, so you will curl up on the cold floor and hold a bit of broken mirror in your hand and lick the blood from the back of your hand and you will whisper to yourself,

"Once more…just so I know."


	5. Chapter 5 The Death of JJ

The Death of JJ

Disclaimer: no still not mine.

_The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. – Harriet Beecher Stowe_

JJ wont know what to do. She will stand with her head leaning against the bathroom door and whisper your name,

"Spence."

Over and over, but you wont be able to hear her. Your heart will be pounding, and your breathing will be quick and you know you are going to start to hyperventilate, but you won't be able to stop it. You will want to call out to JJ, but you know she won't listen. She won't hear you, because no one hears you. So when you start to shake and convulse JJ will hear something is very wrong and she will grab her cell phone and call Morgan. The woman with the perfect face and the lovely smile but the sad blue eyes will be pounding on the bathroom door, but you won't be able to open it, you will have stopped hearing and responding to the stimulation of outside sounds. You will shake and twitch and convulse and your head will hit the floor, and you will cry out in anguish and pain, but it will be quiet. From that empty place. That place you can't reach and no one can fill, and you will clutch the bit of broken mirror in your hand, and hope this means it's all finally going to end.

Morgan will arrive quicker than JJ will think possible. He will look at JJ's distressed face and he will shoulder the bathroom door.

He will see you laying on the floor in your sweatpants and long sleeved t-shirt, and he will see the mess around you. Morgan will scoop you up, and he will be shocked at how little you now weigh, and Morgan will take you to your bedroom, and lay you on the bed.

He will ask JJ what happened. He will tell her that he saw you today at the office and you looked fine, though he will admit he didn't talk to you. He will feel fury at what has happened. He will feel guilt that he let his friend slip this far. He will feel panic that so much happened and he didn't notice, and he didn't ask the right questions, but hardly anyone ever does, and when they do they don't understand the answer.

"JJ get me something to clean him up a bit." He will say, and JJ will run and get wet cloths to wipe your face and clean you where you are wet, and he will see the blood on your hand and the piece of broken mirror and will carefully take it from you and ask JJ put it in the bin. Morgan will wipe your hands and see that it's is only scratches and will feel relieved.

"We have to tell Hotch." JJ will say, but Morgan won't be listening, because now he just wants to clean you and make you look right again.

And you will just let them do it, because now you no longer have the strength in you to fight them. You will feel nothing, but Morgan will be talking to you quietly and JJ will just stand in shock and look at you.

"JJ, Tell me what happened."

And JJ will go over what happened that evening. She will say how she called, and then how she came over to see Reid. And you will hear her call you Reid again and your heart will break and the black hole you had been working your way out of will open up again and tip you right back down to where you were before. Morgan will hear you whimper and will sit on the bed next to you and gently hold your sore hands, and feel the vibrations of the sobs wracking your body.

"Reid buddy. Its ok, we are here. We are going nowhere." But you won't want JJ to be there.

""JJ" you will mutter, and they will both hear you and JJ will come over and put her hand on yours, but you will be so lost and confused and angry that you will snatch your hand away.

"JJ leave me alone. Don't touch me. Just…just please go…go away." And your voice will get quieter and quieter and JJ will stand and cry, because she won't know what she did wrong. Then you will hear the door slam and the smell of flowers will be gone, and you will hold tightly onto Morgan's hand because you need to feel grounded. You need to feel real, and you don't want to let go.

You will sleep. It will be a sleep full of nightmares, of monsters real and monsters of the mind, and you will cry out and shout, but Morgan will still be there in the morning sitting on the bed and holding your hand. He will smile when he sees you are finally awake, and you will try to smile back.

"Morgan? What, what are you doing here?" and you will be confused and will have forgotten the night before. You will have forgotten that JJ called you Reid. For now.

"Good morning Reid." And Morgan won't understand what happened last night. He won't realise the pain you feel for what you did to JJ

"Morgan?" You will say with a smile, and you will be confused, and you will get out off the bed, and you will realise you are still holding Morgan's hand, and you will be able to smell the faint smell of flowers.

"Was JJ here?" you will ask, and Morgan will say she wasn't, and you will let go of Morgan's hand slowly and tell him to stop lying to you.

"She thought you had killed yourself Reid. We thought you were dead."

And it all floods back so fast and furiously that you think you are going to pass out, and you put out a hand to steady yourself and Morgan will hold you and pull you close and wrap his arms around you and let you cry.

"Reid, you need to talk to someone about all of this." He will say quietly. "You must talk to someone. Anyone."

And you will tell him that you have tried but no one understands, so Morgan will ask you to talk to him. He will promise to listen, and you will ask him if he will also ask questions, because you will need to know he is listening properly.

"You're shaking Reid."

"I always do first thing in the morning. I need coffee." And you will attempt to smile at your friend who has once again come to rescue you from that place no one else will dare follow you to.

You will sit in your chair with a big mug of sugar and coffee, and you will pull up your knees so that you can hide your face if you need to. Morgan will sit on the couch with his brew and a concerned but open look on his face. You will remember past times you have talked to Morgan, and you won't understand why it is he and not Gideon you always end up talking to. Then you will clear your throat and start to tell your dark story.

"I left JJ to die." You will begin, and Morgan will just nod. "I left her and ran off. I wasn't, I wasn't thinking."

"It was a bad call buddy, but one anyone could have made."

"I Heard her scream. I heard JJ scream, and I thought Hankel had killed her. I I I didn't know who fired the gun. I just I just I just…..Morgan…I thought she was dead."

And you will tell him how you begged and cried and pleaded with Hankel, and you will tell him that you knew you were going to die. You will tell him how you caused the death of the couple on the monitor and you watched and did nothing because you were too scared to move. You will tell him how you asked Tobias not to drug you, but how much you needed it. You will tell him how you wanted him to blow your brains out, because you couldn't stand the thought that JJ was dead, and you weren't.

And Morgan will lean forwards and say the same as everyone else. "But JJ was safe."

And you will jump up from your chair and the coffee will be all over the floor, and you will be in front of Morgan, and screaming at him.

"You don't get it do you!? You, you just you just don't g, g, g, get it!! The point is Morgan, the point is I thought she was dead. I I I I w w wanted to die too, I was trying to coax him into killing me. I started to dig my own g g g grave, and I was wondering if JJ would be as lucky! I should have been stronger. If I had known. If I had known she was safe. I am grieving for her."

And you will be so beside yourself with distress and anguish that you will crouch on the floor and curl into a ball and make strange keening whimpering sounds.

"I don't know how to get past that fear." You will mutter.

And Morgan will hear you

And she called me "Reid."

"Reid." And you will feel a hand on your shoulder and will feel someone kneeling on the floor next to you. "Reid man, listen to me. I hear what you are saying OK, but this isn't the way to grieve for what you thought you had lost." And you will feel a hand on your other shoulder and Morgan will pull you towards him. "Let me help you do this properly Reid."

You will look up into Morgan's face and roughly wipe the wet off your face with the back of your hand. "I have lost JJ Morgan. She called me, she called me Reid." And hot burning tears will run down your face and you won't know where all the tears come from.

It won't be what you expected from this big strong dark skinned man, but he will be more gentle and understanding than you would have ever thought. You will realise that this is why you talk to Morgan. Morgan has never judged you. Yes he has tormented you and played games, but Morgan has always been just Morgan. Not your boss, not a replacement for love lost or a lost father. So you will tell Morgan how in your heart JJ died that day, and how real it was, and how that twisted anger deep in your soul is still there because no one will be able to understand what it is like to be responsible for killing JJ because you are the only one. You will explain how that guilt is so heavy that you cannot feel anything else. You will tell Morgan that you know what you are doing, that you know JJ is there in form, but the JJ you loved as a friend and sister is gone. In its place is some kind of shadow demon just taunting you out of the corner of your mind, and that demon will call you Reid, and that person with the sad blue eyes can't be JJ. JJ always calls you Spence. And you will wrap your arms around yourself and pinch the skin on your sides, and you will know it feels real.

"Reid, I have to tell Hotch. You understand that don't you?" You will nod. Morgan will go to the bathroom and use his cell phone. He won't want you to overhear.

So you will stand upand pic something up out of the bin and walk out of your apartment and disappear into the dark ally ways.


	6. Chapter 6 The Stairs

The Stairs

**A/N Mentions of suicide. If this is an issue please do not read.**

Disclaimer: Checked my email, and Criminal Minds is still not mine.

_Tupelo Twang once said - No one will hear you until it is too late, so you must carve out your story on your body, that they may read it when you are gone._

How are you feeling Spencer Reid?

You will by now have tipped and plummeted but you will not be able to see where to. You understand that you must talk to Hotchner. You will know that Derek will have to tell him what happened, but really, what did happen? You got cross, you shouted, you threw some books. You are perfectly sure that these actions are not beyond normal for many people, so why are they so bothered if you do it?

Ok, Ok, you will understand also that you said some crazy stuff about JJ, but it is all true, and you were shaking because you needed coffee.

And you will look at your hands and see cuts and scratches healing over on them and as you walk barefoot down the dirty stinking backstreet you will start to pick at them and mutter to yourself.

"In 2001, 458 people killed themselves by cutting, which is only 0.2 per 100,000 and only 1.5 of the total suicides that year. I am unlikely to do this. Statistics show that I am far more likely to kill myself with a firearm."

You won't remember the last time you ate properly and kept the food down. You will have been binging on candy and vomiting in private. It's alright. You will stop when it's time. It's just not time yet. You won't feel the glass under your feet as you carry on walking and mumbling to yourself, wringing your hands and twisting your fingers. You will know that they will come looking for you. They always do. They won't leave you alone. They won't give you space to think, so you will find a nice dark space between some bins and pull yourself in tight below the fire escape ladder, and fiddle with the bit of broken mirror in your pocket.

Carving the letter J in your arm won't hurt you know. It will bleed though. It will bleed a lot, and you will have to lick it and clean it and make sure it doesn't get infected. You will realise that the bit of mirror isn't clean, and that is why you had the little knife, but they took that away from you, and now look. Now you are reduced to this. Why couldn't they just leave you be? Why did Derek have to involve Hotch? So you will sit and pick the bits of glass out of the bottom of your feet and scratch and pick at the scabs and marks on your arms, and lick and suck at the two J's you have carved on your wrists.

You have never liked hospitals but this is somehow where you seem to be. You will sit and look around and not remember how you got there. You will be alone. Alone and empty. A nurse will come and ask you questions.

"Name?"

And you will just stare at her.

"Do you remember your name sir?" She will ask

And you will slowly shake your head.

"Do you have a history of seizures or epilepsy sir?" And she will be ticking off a chart.

And you will slowly shake your head.

"Sir, are you taking any medication or drugs?"

And you will shrug, because you cannot remember if you were or not, and you will look down at your hands and they are red and bleeding.

"Do you have any allergies?"

"I don't remember my name miss, how do you think I will remember if I am allergic to milk or horses or whatever?" And your voice will be angry and sharp.

She will ignore your attitude and tick more boxes.

"I am bleeding." You will say to her, and she will just glance up at you and tick more boxes. "What the hell are you doing?" and now you will be shouting and pulling the clipboard out of her hands, and it will be slippery with your blood, and your hands will not be co-ordinating properly and you will drop it to the floor.

And she will snap back at you as she bends down to pick it up again. The foot to her face will be well placed. She will fall back with her pretty nose broken and a yelp.

The security will be on you in a flash and you will be hauled to the ground and restrained. You will scream at them and bite and kick with your feet which are blood smeared, and demand that they let you go. You will feel them hold you and hear the mutters of the other people in the A&E and you will hear people crying with fright of what you have done, but you will still kick and squirm under the hands of the men in the security uniforms, and you will feel the sharp smack of something around your head at the vague sound of someone shouting "You broke my dose you bastard!" and it all goes black.

This time it is Hotchner sitting there looking worried when you wake up. Once again things bleep, but this time you won't be able to move your arms or legs. This time you will be restrained. You will feel that immense fear and panic welling up inside of you, and you will pull at the restraints and buck and squirm in an attempt to free yourself. All other thoughts will have left your head now. You will just need to escape.

A hand will wipe your hair out of your eyes, and a voice will gradually be heard through the over riding fear.

"Reid. It's OK, you are in hospital." And it will be Hotch you can hear, and slowly you will open your eyes and stop struggling and look at him. You will open your mouth to talk but you are thirsty so all you say is "Drink." And Aaron will gently place a straw in your mouth and you will be able to suck some moisture into your sandpaper mouth.

"Hotch, why am I here? Undo these." And you will wiggle your hands and feet to show him what you mean.

"Reid, I can't. You hurt some people Reid. You broke someone's nose." And he will come and sit on the bed next to you.

"Please Hotch" and you will start pleading with him "Please undo these, I'm not going anywhere. I will not do anything stupid, just undo these. Please."

And your eyes will be huge and scared and they will be full of moisture, but this time you refuse to let tears fall. Not for Hotch. Not for anyone. Not anymore.

"You keep wandering off." And Hotch will smile at you and wipe a cool cloth over your face. "I am sure they will take them off when they know you have calmed down. You broke the nurses' nose though." And for some reason that will make Hotch smile and when Hotch smiles the room lights up and everything seems ok again. "I didn't know you had it in you Reid."

"I've read some books on the matter of nose breaking." And you will grin.

The hospital stay this time will be a short one, but it will be advised that you go home to stay with someone. You have a choice of Morgan or Gideon, but first you will have to talk to them about what happened.

Morgan will enter the room cautiously, and sit on the big red chair in the corner. You will be sitting up reading a magazine for the 50th time. Your eyes not actually looking at the words, but watching your finger move down the page, and looking at how long and sharp that nail is now.

"Reid buddy." Morgan will start.

"Morgan. I erm…I think…I think I erm well…I am…erm…sorry."

But Morgan will tell you that there is no need to be sorry. He will tell you that he is your friend and he is there for you and that he is sorry that he let you down. He will tell you that he was scared of what was happening and feels bad that he stopped dropping by so often, and he will tell you that you really do need to eat, that you are making things worse by not eating properly, and when you try to tell him that you do…he will just shake his head and ask you if you really want to be locked up because sure as hell that's what will happened again.

And the fear in you will be so strong and so over powering that now you will escape.

"I need to get up." You will tell him, "I need to stretch my legs a bit."

And Morgan will come over and guide you out of the bed, and you will see you are in a hospital gown and have bandages up you arms again, and you wont know why, and you will feel angry and confused, and then you will see your feet, and how they too have dressings on them, and you wonder slightly what happened, but you wont remember. You will use Morgan to lean on and you will realise how weak you feel, and it will cross your mind fleetingly that maybe he is correct and you should take back the control of your eating and actually keep it down, but the thought makes you feel ill and dizzy and scared and you just want to get away.

You will push Morgan away from you and rush from the room. Morgan will be surprised at how fast you can move. But fear can make a man move with godlike speed, and you will run for the doors at the end of the corridor, and you will burst through them and you will feel the hand on the back of your gaping gown as your dressed feet slip and the stairs you were running for come up and smack you in the face.

Morgan will watch you as you fall face first down the stone stairs and land crumpled at the bottom….a slow gentle pool of blood oozing its way from beneath you.

**A/N this seems like a good place to stop :c) or should I carry on? Please review and let me know.**


	7. Chapter 7 Garcia

Garcia

_Tin Het once said – I will talk, but are you listening to me?_

**A/N: Spoilers for Revelations!!**

Disclaimer: Feels like it should be, but Criminal Minds isn't mine.

And now Reid.

What now?

You have managed to get yourself into a bit of a mess.

This all started with that stupid decision to go round the back of the barn when you should have known better. This is why you have training you know, to prevent stupid mistakes like that. Not only did you nearly destroy JJ but you have completely destroyed yourself. What hope is there for you now?

Get up off the floor and do something.

Snap out of this self pitying frame of mind and either kill your self or get on with life. I am getting quite bored with your attitude, and the way you are treating your friends. Reid, they are your friends, you might try to push them away and run from it, but they are still there, and they still want to be there.

And everything is dark.

And all you will be able to hear is a thump, thump, thump, and sometimes a sigh.

Thump, thump, thump, and a sharp intake of breath.

And sometimes right at the back of your aural perception there will be cries of distress, and there will be such a pain in your chest that you won't be able to breath anymore, so you will stop and be content, and you will feel your heart has stopped, and it will remind you of the time Hankel pushed you to the floor, and once more you will find some kind of strange peace. Finally it is over. Finally the nightmares will stop…finally you can sleep.

Then that pain in your chest again, and light, and noise, and shouting, and your name being said. Gently.

"Spence, can you hear me?" And for just a second you think you can smell flowers, but it all goes black again.

And all you can hear is the thump, thump, thump, and you can feel hands touching you and you will know that you have stopped breathing again, and then the thumping stops and there is nothing.

When you finally wake up you are obviously still in hospital. It will seem that nothing really has changed except for now you have a tube down your throat, and your face hurts.

Comfortable Dr Reid? Are you enjoying what you have done to yourself?

And you start will choke and start to pull at the tube, but someone is there. Someone with calm gentle hands and someone who smells of flowers. And as the doctor takes the tube from you, JJ will hold your hand tightly and you will see fresh marks down her face where she has been crying.

"Spence." Is all she will say, but it is all she will need to say.

"Hey JJ." And you try to smile.

"Shhh Spence. Don't talk"

So you don't, and you go back to sleep, and it will be the best sleep you have had since before you went to Georgia.

And as you sleep your friends will come in to see you, and they will be shocked at what they see. It will be explained to them that you hit the stairs with your face, and they will be told that the cuts and bruises will heal, but they will tell your friends that they are more worried about your state of mind. They will tut and erm, and they will be both angry and confused. Then a few days later Garcia will come to see you.

"Heya Junior G man." And you will smile at this, even if you don't really understand what she is talking about. "I heard that your feet hurt babes, so Penelope is here to make you feel better."

And she will chuck chocolate and fruit and packets of pink squishy sweet things on your bed. Garcia will rub oils into you feet, being careful to avoid the places with deep cuts, but it will feel so good, and it will smell of lavender and Garcia will tell jokes which you don't understand, and you will eat some squishy things that taste of very sweet pink. She will tell you how good you are looking and how the swelling on your face has gone right down now.

Penelope will cry, and you won't understand why she is crying when everything seems so good.

"Garcia, what's wrong?" you will ask in a voice loud and happy and maybe a bit mad.

"We keep thinking you are dead, Reid. You have to stop doing this to us. I have aged 20 years in the past week. I am going grey with worry."

And you will mumble about how you should know how he feels then, but Garcia is singing a song about Sunshine and she won't hear you.

"I fell, I fell down the s s stairs. It was an accident." And as you say the words you wonder if it is really true, and Garcia will look at you with that knowing face and smile.

"I know you did." And she will come and sit on the bed next to you. "I need to talk to you about something Angel." And her face will look sad and worried.

"Hey Garcia!" and you will look alarmed because you will never have seen her looking like this before.

"I don't know if I should be telling you this." And she will fiddle with a banana, then peel back the skin and say "Eat this." So you will because she looks so sad, and it will make you gag and you will want to be sick, but someone is here and you don't want them to see you vomit anymore. You will need Garcia to think you are ok.

And Garcia will start talking and you will listen, Dr Reid.

"When you went missing. When we didn't know where Hankel had taken you. I was so scared Reid. Then I was sitting with Morgan looking at the monitors and you come up on the screen. I was so afraid for you."

And you will chew on your bottom lip remembering how scared you were, and how you cried and begged and how Garcia had watched it all.

"And then when we all thought you were dead." And she will sit and pick at the bed coverings and she will be crying. "Reid, it ripped my soul from me when I watched you die." And you will lean forwards and wrap your arms around her and say.

"I am so sorry Garcia. I have, I have m m m made such, such a mess of everything. It hurts. I d d don't know what to do."

And the two of you will rock and hug and cry.

So when it is time to leave the hospital it is Penelope who will insist on coming over to stay at your place to look after you. Her reasons will be legion but the winning comment will be that she doesn't have to keep going away on Adventures so she will be the best one to care for you.

Garcia will have a cunning plan, and when you limp back to your apartment you will discover a freezer full of Ben and Jerry's and cupboards full of candy and coffee. You will laugh when you see what she has done, and frown when you notice that all the knives have disappeared from the kitchen drawer.

She will run you hot baths and give you hand and feet massages, and you will both know the pain each has carried, and neither of you will talk about it. You will realise after a week that you are keeping your food down at last, and the two of you will make up all kinds of revolting recipes to add sugar and ice cream to. You will start to go for walks together, and it will feel good to have a friend who is not asking questions, yet is getting all the answers. And you will be happy for the first time for as long as you can remember. Truly happy.

So Dr Spencer Reid, you will always have those marks on your arms, and you will always have the scars in your heart, but finally you will feel it is time to move onwards. You will be able to look at JJ and smile, and you will be able to talk to Hotch without panicking, and you will be able to take the jokes from Morgan, even if you still don't always understand them. And always Garcia will be there holding you up, and you holding onto Garcia, and you will pretend to understand her, and she will pretend to understand you, because that is what friends do.

You will stand and look at your desk and smile and feel whole again.

And you will put your hands in your pockets and fiddle with the little knife, and smile.


	8. Chapter 8 That Little Knife

That Little Knife

**A/N: another bit, but written in a more normal way!**

Disclaimer: criminal minds isn't mine

The case had been pretty standard really. Nothing out of the ordinary if you have a job like this, but sometimes it's the little things isn't it? Not the big glaringly obvious ones. This time it had been that child. A young boy who had been left to fend for himself. Of course that's not why the FBI were called. Originally it had started with the organised crime lot, then it had sidled over to the BAU when they realised they had a serial killer on their hands and for most of them it had been the dead rotting bodies which had caused bile to rise. For someone it was the child left alone to cope with life which brought on the feeling of helplessness.

He thought he was over it. He really did, but all those memories just came hammering back with such force that he had to excuse himself and find somewhere quiet to vomit.

And that was the catalyst. In under five minutes his life went from being fairly normal for a socially awkward genius to such deep dark depression that he didn't think he would ever be able to function as a normal person again.

He kept it a secret. The vomiting in the ally way. Something he had done so many times before in the past. This was different though wasn't it? This wasn't that old black rotting bit of him open and oozing again was it?

He felt quickly in his pocket and felt the re-assuring razor sharp knife. The blade folded up into the handle. Reid stood with his eyes closed and just swayed slightly from side to side, thinking. What to do now? He had to decide quickly. He could hear Hotch calling for him. Always Hotch.

"Reid!"

So it had to be quick. He flipped the tiny knife open and before he could think himself out of it made a tiny cut in the end of his finger and the sudden rush in his head felt good. He quickly put his finger in his mouth and sucked and walked back to where the others were.

"Reid, are you OK?" Hotch. He seems to be able to see right through Reid these days.

"Oh yes. I cut – I cut myself." And he left it at that. No admissions. No denials. Not even Hotch would see through something which wasn't there.

….

Alone in his apartment that evening Reid pulled off his work clothes and had a long soak in the bath. He considered calling Garcia and telling her about today, but it was late, and he knew she had a date tonight and she didn't need him bugging her. Not tonight. Anyway tonight he was fine. A bath a book and bed. Then in the morning he would be fine. He knew that. He was sure of it. So he sat in the bath and inspected his arms. They were a mess. Ridges ran up both arms to his elbows. All fading in colour but not in texture. On some you could see the tiny marks left by hospital sutures. He gently ran his tongue over them. They felt huge using the sensitivity of the tongue. He smiled at them and washed them lovingly with the rose soap JJ gave him. The smell reminded him of JJ.

And suddenly with no warning something inside went wrong. Reid got out of the tub and pulled his robe on and walked quickly to the lounge. There on the table where it belonged was the knife. It winked at him. It demanded attention. It pulled him closer until Reid was kneeling on the floor in front of the small table with his chin resting on the surface. He was looking at it. He dared not touch. One hand he rested palm down on the oak table. The index finger on his right hand was drawing invisible circles around the knife. Closer and closer without touching.

He should call Garcia. He was sure she wouldn't mind. But again she had been going on for days about her date and he just couldn't spoil that for her.

Reid laid his face on the cold wood and stared at the knife which was calling him so insistently. Maybe just once. For old times sake? No one would notice. He kept his arms covered now all the time anyway. It didn't look professional for him to show his pain in public. So a quick small cut would be fine. Small. Tiny. It would probably wouldn't even bleed.

He got up and went back to the bathroom and took plasters from the cabinet over the sink and picked up a red towel he hand hanging over the rail. It was warm and for a while he just stood and buried his face in the warmth of the towel.

Then at an impossible slow pace he walked back to his big chair in the corner. He folded his legs up under him and wrapped his arms around him and bit on his bottom lip until he could taste blood.

"Garcia." He said to himself. "I am so sorry Pen."

He felt alone and scared like he had so many times as a child. When he came home from school beaten and defeated, and his mother was just an empty shell and he had to cook dinner and pay bills and do other things a child should never have to do for his mum. He knew it wasn't her fault. He knew this wasn't a life she had chosen. He knew his father ran not because he was weak but because he wasn't. He loved his father. He missed his father. He wanted him there now with him to play cards and talk about – about what it is normal people talk about.

He was crying. He didn't know how long he had been, but it had reached the point of having to wipe his face dry on his blue/green fluffy robe. As he did he caught the smell on his arms from the rose soap. JJ's smell. The smell of flowers.

"I must call Pen." And Reid picked up the phone. Maybe she didn't go out. Or maybe she came home real early. He would phone her at home. If she is in, then that's OK…he would ask her to come over. If not then he would have to deal with this alone. Just this once.

The phone rang. "Hey, this is Penelope, please leave your name and number and I will get back to you" and the beep…..

"Garcia? If you are there please pick up….erm….I erm…I'm sorry."

And he slammed the phone down and grabbed the knife. He thought maybe he could call Morgan, but he remembered the last time.

He pushed up the sleeve on his left arm and looked at his skin. It was very pale. A tear dropped onto his wrist and he stared at it. A little bead of tear. Telling him to do it. He cut quickly. Never hesitated. It was nice clean cut. It was bleeding rather a lot though. Rather too much. A sticky plaster wasn't going to fix this.

He stood up and tried to make his way to his bedroom. He didn't want this to end with him sitting in his chair like a sad old man. Dying alone. No friends. No one to miss him. Like Franks mother. Rotting away and not missed. His legs seemed to trying to walk through mud though, and slowly he crumpled to the floor where he lay and looked at the blood pouring from the huge gash he had made. The knife still held tightly in his other hand.

Spencer screamed in pain as he brought the knife down again into his arm. Huge sobbing screams of pain and alarm at what he was doing but couldn't stop.

Then a hand over his. "NO! Stop it Spence!"

And Garcia was there and a stranger was standing watching from the door way. "Call the EMTs quicky!" she shouted at him. And Reid thought: Bless her she brought her date to a suicide attempt and he smiled as he blacked out on his lounge carpet.

…………..


	9. Chapter 9 Sleep At Last

Talking

Sleep At Last

**A/N: no happy endings I'm afraid**

* * *

The smells….its always the smells that get to me.

And the bleep bleep bleep of the machines next to my bed.

I thought it was over. I thought the last person I was going to talk to…to see…have contact with was Garcia…but no.

…………..I'm here…smelling of disinfectant and causing a fuss when really it's not necessary. I don't want to be here but I can't move. They've strapped me down again.

"Hello Dr Reid. Nice to see you awake at last."

And I want to just slide back into the darkness I was in and hide there. It's not nice to be awake again. How can this ever possibly be construed as nice? What is the woman talking about?

"I'm thirsty." Is what I say though and she gets me a drink of water and lets me sip through the straw at some luke warm water.

"Your friends have been worried about you Dr Reid. Let me know when you feel like saying hello to someone. They are all waiting."

But I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone…I want to curl up into a ball and pick at my scabs and be left alone….but I can't do that. They won't let me do that. I am stuck staring at the ceiling.

I must have fallen asleep.

Or time is just being really strange with me….I don't know how long I have been here but there is someone at my side now and he is in a suit and has a pair of glasses and is wearing a worried look on his face. I don't know who he is and I blink at him. I don't want to talk …I don't know who he is. I don't even know if he is really there…and my soul wants to laugh but I won't let it have that much pleasure.

"I just came in to see you. To introduce myself to you. I hope my being here didn't wake you up."

But I just stare at him. I really don't want to talk…I don't want to talk to him…or anyone for that matter.

"I'm Mr Bennet. Just someone you can talk to when you feel up to it."

So I turn my head and look at the machines next to me and twist my arms in the restraints.

"They are necessary for now." He is still talking to me but I'm not interested. "At least until you start talking to us properly Spencer and telling me what is going on."

Then they will be there a long time and so I stop twisting my arms and I clench my fists and wriggle my toes and I think I sigh.

I can see the drips by my bed….and they lead to the back of my hand but I don't know what they are. I don't know what drugs they are pumping into my system now and I don't really care…they don't seem to be helping much. I still feel like I want this to end…I still feel like I want to be alone…I hurt.

……………..I hurt Pen.

Of all the people I could have done this to….why Pen? So I turn and look at the this Mr Bennet and I want to ask to say sorry to her, but the words won't form in my mouth and my head won't let the question be formed so I turn away again.

I feel so ashamed. How could I do that to someone who cares?

But I didn't intend doing it………………………….

I did intend doing it…..I messed up. I messed up good.

I hear him walk away and I hear the swish of the door and he has gone and I am alone with my drips and my machines so I pull at the restraints and try to free my hands. I want to see what I did…I need to feel something and I just feel empty and numb.

………………….When I open my eyes again the lights have been dimmed and someone is touching my hair. I open my eyes and it's Pen and I want to scream at her to go away and leave me alone. I can feel the shame of pulling her into my messed up dirty world and I want her to stay safe and well and be happy….not be here stuck with me.

"Hello sleepy head." And she smiles and talks gently and I just look at her and blink. "It's ok…I don't need you to talk to me Spencer…I need you to listen. And her voice is gentle and there is no bubble in it….and I wonder if I have broken her. "I just need you to know that I am so glad you called me." Her hand is resting on mine. "I will always be here Spencer. If you need a shoulder…an ear. You know that don't you?" And now I want to cry because I thought she'd hate me because of the pain I put her through.

I want to tell her I'm sorry. I want to tell her something but still my head won't let me talk and I can feel the room suddenly spinning and the restraints suddenly feel too tight and I am being dragged away from her and I want to reach out and have her pull me back again but I can't move and she is drifting further away and she has stopped looking happy now and she looks worried……..

……………………..I'm in a different room now. A smaller room…..different smells…..maybe a different place. I don't know. I am in pain….my chest hurts and when I try it out I realise I can move my feet and legs so I pull my knees up tight to me and wriggle my arms…but they are still held down. I feel damp – as though have been sweating…I feel dirty and empty and I still don't know how long it has been since that time I called Pen….

I scared her again. What happened? This room is pale green…there are pictures on the wall and curtains at a window. As I look around it looks more like a hotel room than a hospital room but the drips still in my arm and the bleeping still by my head let me know that I'm not on vacation somewhere. I want to call out and let them know I am awake. I want to know where I am… but I don't. I just lay and look around the room and it makes me feel uncomfortable that this place feels like it is a home and not a hospital. I don't want to live here. I don't want to live in a hospital….

………………….It's a small panic. I'm not sure where the sounds came from. They don't sound like me. They sound like a wild animal screaming. I'm not even sure they are coming from me but I can't see anyone else in the room so it must have been me making that horrible noise.

They come rushing in. In their white coats and with stethoscopes hanging around their necks…their badge of office.

"Calm down Spencer…." They tell me, but I don't want to. I can't…..I need to get out of here and just curl up and die. I don't want to be forced to do something I don't want any longer. Can't they see that?

…..I think they can. I'm sure they can…..why else the restraints…..why else would they be hushing me and putting damp cloths on my face and stroking my face and as I listen I hear that the sound has stopped and I blink water away from my eyes and I wish I could ask them where I am, but I can't. The words I need aren't available. Some link between my brain and my mouth is broken.

"Penelope is here if you want to see her." Someone says… but it's not now…it's in the future they say it…at some distant future because things have changed again. I am in the same room…I think…unless all the rooms look the same…only now I have just one arm restrained and I am laying on my side.

I just look at them and I want to nod….or shake my head or do something to communicate but it's gone. I can't remember how, and it sort of amuses me that they think I would get up and find something sharp and take it to myself when I can't even find it in me to nod my head.

…………………….and so I close my eyes.

"Sweet-cheeks." And that is Pen. I open my eyes and look at her and her eyes look puffy and sad. She's not the Pen I used to know. I've dragged her down. I didn't want to do this….but I reach out with my hand….and she takes it and I feel her squeeze it. "How are you today handsome?"

And I want to do something…but what I do isn't what I planned and I feel the tear on my face and then her fingers moving them away. "Hey – it's ok. It's ok." And now she moves in and gives me a kiss on the forehead. "I'm happy with a one way conversation Spencer. You know that… I can talk the hide legs of a donkey." And she is smiling but it's one of those smiles you make at funerals. One of those 'thank god this is nearly over' smiles and I wonder if I am dying and if I am it's taking too long.

-o-o-o-

I visit him every day…and every day my heart breaks a little bit more. He is so thin I don't know how he can still be alive…and I really don't think he will be for much longer. The hospice is looking after him. They are giving him pain medication and something to stop the seizures but he is fading.

I don't know when I last heard his voice…that lovely excitable voice…that wonderful annunciation. So Spencer and so unique and it's gone.

Today I don't think he knows I am here. His eyes stay closed and he doesn't react when I wipe the damp cloth over his face or put balm on his chapped cracked lips.

……………..Nearly a year. The anniversary is due…..and I don't want to cry in front of him because that wouldn't be the thing to do….so I take off my glasses and wipe at my eyes and bend forwards and kiss him goodnight.

I will tell the staff when I leave "Call me if there is any change. In either direction."

And they will say they will and a couple of times they have.

Once when his heart gave out and they had to force him back to life and I cried and I wished they had just let him go.

I'm at home now….and I am sitting staring at my mug off coffee.

They just called.

I should go over there.

I should call Hotch.

* * *

**A/N: END**


End file.
